Thanksgiving Playbook, Episode 3: “Are You Not Entertained?!”

Hospitality is the act of welcoming and treating others as guests of honor, while entertaining is the act of seeking to impress.

Creating meaningful gatherings is not to be confused with entertainment, as though it were a kind of show the host is putting on for the guests.

In fact, this Thanksgiving we invite you to turn the whole notion of host and guest upside down.

The word hospitality derives from the Latin hospes which can be translated both “host” and “guest” (and also “stranger”). Hospitality isn’t just something the host offers. It’s given and received by host and guest alike. One more time for the folks in the back — hospitality is given and received by host and guest alike.

This truth comes to light brilliantly in the life of Christ, who ate at many tables throughout his ministry, often breaking the conventional rules of fellowship. He had no home to invite guests into, but through his very presence offered hospitality to everyone he came into contact with.

Hospitality, as Henri Nouwen put it, is “the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy.” It is cultivated within and then extends outside of ourselves towards others.

Jesus often turned the tables, entering as guest but becoming host, like when he ate with Simon the Pharisee and received the woman with the costly perfume.

“Through Jesus’ ministry and table fellowship, we see the mutuality that is characteristic of Jesus’ table: guests become hosts and hosts become guests; everyone has something to give and something to receive. Guests and hosts alike need each other, for we all need what the other brings to the table.” *

The Thanksgiving Table gives us the opportunity to both exercise hospitality and draw hospitality out from others as Jesus did. Whether you’re hosting in your home, going to someone else’s, or eating out doesn’t change the invitation to carry hospitality with you and offer it wherever you go.

To encourage this hospitable exchange between guest and host, we ask our guests to bring two things with them to our Thanksgiving Table.

First, a favorite dish. Second, themselves. By asking our guests to do their best to bring their full selves into the gathering, we are also communicating something incredibly important: You have a seat at the table. There is space for YOU. Your particular presence matters, and this gathering would not be the same without you.

Before we come together for the meal, we ask everyone to do their best to abide by two rules (hospitality guardrails, if you will):

Rule #1: Cocktails are for Catching Up

Offer conversation guardrails for folks. We use the cocktail and appetizer time before the meal to work through all the arbitrary but culturally necessary conversations. Conversations like, "how's work/kids/school/retirement/etc." are often a crutch — a question, a short answer, then an awkward stare until someone says, "wow these deviled eggs are amazing; I think I'll get some more."

But there is value to catching up as long as we gate those conversations and use them as preparation for something better.

Rule #2: Just One Conversation at the Table

This one is admittedly hard, but powerful if you can pull it off. Everyone hates being in that awkward position at a dinner where you are stuck between two conversations, not really part of either, but also unsure which direction to lean. It's the worst. So we ask our guests at each table work hard to maintain one conversation that involves everyone.

Then we offer a few prompts to kick start and guide deeper conversations.

A key component of these prompts is storytelling. We can’t say enough about storytelling. It opens people up and breaks down barriers. Receiving any story, no matter how trivial, is like walking through the sacred threshold of someone else’s life. Stories teach us to notice and honor our lived experiences and tie them to greater meaning outside of ourselves.

And one note. Please, please for the love of cranberry sauce, do not ask, "What are you thankful for?" Just don't. A much better and easy starter question is "What is a dish or food that carries special meaning for you and why?"

You will learn what a person is thankful for (and so much more) when they tell that story.

We have found that these rules help deepen our engagement with one another.
They give us permission to start at the surface but nudge us deeper into more meaningful stories.
They help everyone be mindful of the value of asking good questions and including others in the conversation.

In his book From Isolation to Community, Myles Werntz shares, “The act of eating together is a time of formation: in eating, we draw from outside ourselves what we need to live, from the hands of another, to strengthen us in the life that proceeds only from God. In our practices of eating, then, we can view these as sheer transactions or as opportunities for gratitude and exchange.”

May we feed our stomachs and our souls in our gatherings this Thanksgiving.
May we engage, not as entertainers, but as mutual guests and hosts, sharing of ourselves in a beautiful exchange.

We’ll close with this blessing, “Grace After Meals,” written by the Irish teacher and poet John O’Donohue.

We end this meal with grace
For the joy and nourishment of food,
The slowed time away from the world
To come into presence with each other
And sense the subtle lives behind our faces,
The different colors of our voices,
The edges of hungers we keep private,
The circle of love that unites us.

*I wish I could cite the author of this quote. It came from an online article beautifully but anonymously written.